I’m Distracted

Dear Diary or whatever,

I can’t focus. On anything. And I could blame the stay-at-home order or my constant angry state or that I’m kind of stuck at my parents’ house for a while or my upside down sleeping schedule, but that doesn’t change the fact that I haven’t been able to work on something consistently for more than 10 minutes without getting frustrated or unmotivated and setting it aside.

Another worksheet.

What tasks am I working on? : Applying to jobs, some pen drawings and charcoal portraits, a super-duper top-secret art project, watching a bunch of movies and documentaries.

What tasks am I neglecting? : Dance practice because I feel unmotivated and don’t have much space at the moment, ordering hair dye and my first zine.

What have I done to help : Enough coffee to kill a man, sleep medication, setting timers, took a walk, FaceTime Taylor, pet the dog, pet the other dog, take a shower, read this Forbes article, made many to-do lists, followed many talented artists on Instagram and Youtube for inspiration, unfollowed many others on social media, and caught up with friends.

What have I actually accomplished? : If we’re talking quantity over quality

  • Six movies/docs, several episodes of Abstract and Ken Burns’ Jazz, and almost a full season of The Twilight Zone (oh, the irony).
  • Three portraits, one study in my mini ink Moleskine, one potential print in my art plus Moleskine, lots of filled and useful pages in my sketchbook, finished and scanned all the pages for a zine, one mini watercolor piece for a friend, a couple of photos.
  • Countless job applications
  • One vlog

What am I learning : No matter how often I’m told to be kind to myself, I’m very stubborn. I’m more introverted than I previously thought. Most of the time I don’t mind the silence and wish there was more of it. I’m experiencing more change than I could have prepared for and my nostalgia for what my life looked like in December is overwhelming. Even though there’s no sense in dwelling on the past, old habits are tough to break.

Overall : I think my being in Tampa has thrown off my system the most. I have limited clothing that makes me feel like myself and no access to the things that calm me down the most. My morning coffee ritual, the process of lighting a candle and listening to Stevie Nicks, and putting on a face mask. I’m still getting everything done, but getting from point A to B is definitely not as linear as I’d like it to be.

Has writing this all out helped? : I don’t know yet. But I at least got through it one sitting.